Codependent Behaviors

Written by guest contributor and licensed therapist...

The Struggle Is Real And There Is Hope

Needing to use social distancing and or shelter in place is causing many people, including myself, to examine their lives.  Asking questions like who, what, when, where, and why are people or places really important to us.  This reflection can bring very good and loving memories and for some not so good memories.  The purpose of this blog today is to offer Hope, peace of mind, and unfathomable Love.  

This blog has been focusing on behaviors that are considered Codependent.  Honestly, the name doesn't really matter.  What does matter is recognizing any behaviors that are causing problems at work, at home, in school, or with family and relationships. The problems are severe and can end up being a loss that is painful. What are the intense dysfunctional behaviors (Find the list here (https://okcrecovery.com/welcom/codependency/)?  The Bible tells us when we are doing things to ease our anxiety and fear of man we are idolizing and that is sin.  Usually, the codependent behaviors are things we catch ourselves doing and hate ourselves for it.  Yelling at your spouse, controlling everything your kids or family do, perfectionism, keeping a watch on things at work to make sure they have what they need and do not get frustrated.  These behaviors started as a way to survive when the people in the world around you were mean, scary, abusive,  dysfunctional and not reliable.  The motivation, at the time, was self-protection and we could only depend upon ourselves because usually other people didn't know what was happening. We focused on others and this caused our fear of people to decrease if we did things a certain way.  The Bible calls this idolatry; sin. We did what we had to do to get the protection we needed from others.  That is not the case now!    

The anger, resentment, people-pleasing, bossiness, perfectionism, putting other's needs before our own, being critical, etc., does not have to continue. It is exhausting, painful, and causes stress and illness to constantly engage in any of these behaviors. In addition, it is putting people before God. I don't know about you, but I can relate to Romans 7:18-23 when Paul talks about doing what he doesn't want to do and not doing what he wants.  He says there is a way out.  As a believer in Jesus Christ, codependency does not need to keep ruining your life!  It's not "ruining" my life you say?  Are you filled with joy, not happiness, but true internal peace and joy?  

I said at the beginning of this blog that I would give you Hope.  

I believe the answer lies in the motivation for engaging in self-protecting codependency.  I personally was prompted by the Holy Spirit today when I began writing this blog to use what I am asking you to use now. I was writing to impress others and wanting approval.  I had to repent, pray, and completely rewrite what God laid on my heart to write. The war within each of us is real!  The Great news is we have the Holy Spirit to prompt us to change. 

   1. First acknowledge your behavior as sin.  If unsure what you are doing, look at this site again                      (https://okcrecovery.com/welcom/codependency/) ;

   2. Repent of the sin.

   3. Trust God to be working in you.  This is not a one time shot and we are done.  It's daily and hourly.

   4. Examine your motives.  (1 Cor 10:31)  Answering these three questions will help (From, When God is Small and People are Big, Ed Welch). 

        - Ask what do I need?  Do I need to have the other person do what I want in order to decrease my fear?

        - Who or what controls you? Are there people or events that leave you drained or angry? 

        - Where do you put your trust?  I found that I wasn't trusting Jesus, I was trusting in a person. 

You are forgiven and Christ paid the penalty for all!  We can live with peace that passes all understanding!  

If you have questions or would like to pray or find support please feel free to write a message below.  

When The Evil Twin Shows Up

Many consider it a bad sign when dysfunction shows up in a relationship.  

The earlier the better:  Why?  If it shows up early, you're making progress and it's truly a blessing.  You know it's there.  You just don't know exactly what flavor.  If they're a goat, you don't have to waste time.   

• The fall of man in Gen 3 explains it.  We hide, blame shift, and lie.
• Sadly, people are masters at hiding their junk.  We claim progress, recovery, I'm in counseling, etc -but is it real?  Remember the fruit?
• No worries.  You'll find out.  My friends chuckle when I refer to dysfunction as swamp gas - it can't be hidden and always bubbles to the surface.  Swamp gas is the result of decaying dead things.
• The iceberg analogy also works.  Everything looks good above the waterline.  But just wait.....😒
• Try to resolve the issues.  If the party is unwilling, you know what to do.  If you're married, the choice is a bit more difficult.

Application:  we're blessed to live in an age where much is written about getting your ducks in a row.  Christian self-help books are everywhere.  The Bible is a great resource.  So is your pastor.  Remember the fruit - you must apply these things to your life consistently.  Otherwise it's just hot air moving across your lips.

***Blessings on your day.  Hope you all are well and dealing with the social distancing.

Losing Jesus In The Storms Of Life

Oh Mike, you knoweth nothing of what you speak!!!  But wait - hear me out.  It's always a rude awakening when it comes from the Bible.  We just had a sermon on this passage, for those who attend the same church I go to.  And this passage that we'll take a look at is used in different ways.  John Ortberg writes "If You Want To Walk On Water, You've Got To Get Out Of the Boat!"

Observe what happened:  Matt 14:22-36 is the overall passage.  Pay particular attention to verses 28-33.....

Matthew 14:28-33 New Living Translation (NLT)

28 Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.”

29 “Yes, come,” Jesus said.

So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the strong[a] wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted.

31 Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?”

32 When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped. 33 Then the disciples worshiped him. “You really are the Son of God!” they exclaimed.

The Apostle Peter, a human, lost sight of his Savior in the storms of life.  This very thing happens to all of us every day, multiple times per day.

How do we overcome it?  Perhaps the answer lies in the phrases "so little faith" and "why did you doubt me"?

The gang and I will be putting together some articles on these issues that will hopefully help  If you haven't already subscribed by email, please do.  And share with your friends if you like what you read.

Blessings on your day.

How Could I Have Missed This?

For my church family, friends in recovery, and those who know me - it would appear we have a spiritual problem.  The last several months have been an amazing journey filled with trials - joy, tears, heartache and blessing.

Background - All the things I'll mention here are not new.  Apparently all this stuff has been rattling around in my head for some time.  Hence, the title...

• A recent sermon on Matthew 14 where Peter walks on the water.  
• John Ortberg's book - "If you want to walk on water you have to get out of the boat"
• Dating someone who's codependent and discovering that I have some of those traits.
• Reading a list of codependency symptoms - one of which was:  why do you stay in relationships too long and try so hard when the evil twin shows up and the crap show starts?  
• A pastor friend who struggles with alcohol and is told he has a spiritual problem...
• A recent church video about love being the antidote.  But is that really the answer?
• A moving video this morning on Psalm 23.

Oh you of little faith:  read Matthew 14:22-36 and you'll see how it's so easy for us to lose Jesus in life's daily storms.

Application:  so if you're struggling today with some sort of hurt, habit or hangup, and we all know we do, the answer is Jesus.  Could the key be something as simple as more FAITH?  God can't be first with you on the throne...now what?

The next step:  for me it's to confess and ask God's forgiveness.  I don't pretend to know nor advise you on what you need to do.  God will show you in His Word.

That Relationship You Long and Pray For

Some simple questions:  God keeps sending people for you to connect with.  Yet you continue to destroy the very thing you long for with sin - why?

• Who's first - you or God?
• Codependency might just be idolatry?
• Perhaps God's Word really does have the answers?

1. What do you need and what fills you emotionally?
2. You are controlled by?  Make a list...
3. Who do you trust?

• Why isn't the word codependency used in scripture?
• Who's in control.  God or you?
• You've been doing the same thing for a long time and nothing has changed.  Cycle of insanity?
• Baggage needs to be processed - what's holding you back?  

Seriously, there is no one to blame but yourself.  Perhaps it's time to remove the log from your own eye.  Input from those who know you will help.  Ask them for a list of what they think might be wrong with you.  Then prayerfully, with God's guidance, begin this process of sanctification we all struggle with...

What Do We Do Now?

Why the flowers?  Photography and long drives helped me process my divorce.  Rough journey but beautiful photos.  And using my own work, I don't have to worry about copyright.

Antidote is Love:  A short video on the church website sharing 1 John 4:18 and 1 Cor 13 is the inspiration for this post.  I tried to share it here but my tech skills are not that great.  I won't quote the verses - you can look those up.  Focus on the greek word for love - agape.  Get a greek lexicon or bible dictionaries and you'll see how rich it is.

What do we do now?  Worry, fear, more news etc sure isn't the answer unless you desire the ditch of negativity.  Here are some ideas...

• The God sized hole in your heart that you try to fill with everything but God sure isn't working and will never work.  Perhaps start with Him?
• But Mike, that's really hard.  May I suggest starting with a devotional like Our Daily Bread?  https://odb.org/  
• Difficult times present opportunities to help others.
• Reduce your news intake
• Stay in touch with family and friends via phone or messenger, etc.
• Talk to your kids about Jesus.  They already know you're frightened.  Focus on the positive.
• Are you willing to help others?  

God loves you.  John 3:16 is a wonderful verse to leave you with.  I'll try to publish daily if you'd like to subscribe.  Blessings.

  

John 3:16 New International Version (NIV)

16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

James 1:5-8...a daily prayer

Be encouraged during these difficult times.  Get involved in a Bible study, pray, stay in touch with church family and friends.  God loves you and He is good all the time.

James is a popular book.  Like Proverbs, it deals with practical aspects of our faith.

James 1:5-8.....possible titles for you to use:  Seeking God's Guidance, A Daily Prayer, Seek God's Wisdom, Wisdom versus Doublemindness

Admin notes:  During this rather difficult time where churches are cancelling services, I've decided to write some Bible study notes.  Feel free to follow along, comments, ask questions, have some online fellowship.  History/background information is up to you.  E-sword software, Dr Constable's Bible study notes https://planobiblechapel.org/tcon/notes/pdf/james.pdf , etc.  Plenty of reliable sources and free commentaries.  Inductive study format can be found at intothyword.org for detailed info.  Any questions, please ask.

Verse 5:  Ask/beg God for His Wisdom.  He gives generously and w/o reproach.

• wisdom G4678 - cleverness, learning, spiritual insight, skill, well-rounded knowledge
• ask God G154 - beg, call for, crave, desire, require, request
• gives generously/liberally G574 - bountifully, sincerely, openly
• without reproach/upbraideth/ungrudgingly G3679 - chide, rail, defame, revile, denounce, insult

Verse 6:  Faith, a firm confidence in God w/o doubting or wavering for that is like constant agitation and a divided mind.

• ask in faith G4102 - moral conviction of truth, reliance on Jesus for salvation
• doubting/wavering G1252 - hesitate, stagger
• surf/sea G2830 - surge, raging, agitation
• driven and tossed by the wind

Verse 7:  do not expect to receive anything with a flaky, self-centered, wishy washy attitude.

Verse 8:  pretty straightforward - no paraphrase necessary.

• double-minded G1374 - two spirited, two minded, uncertain, divided in interest, vacillating
• unstable G182 - restless, inconstant

What does the passage say?  What is God telling me?  God is first.  We must ask in faith w/o doubting or we won't receive.  See verses 1-4 as we are dealing with trials.

Application:  for me, this is very much a "who is first" question.  Am I on the throne or is He?  Also, who do you rely on---your wisdom, worldly views or God's wisdom?   Lean not on your own understanding.  Otherwise you will continue to make the same mistakes over and over and expecting different results - insanity.  You will not grow.

Questions:

1. What repetitive patterns do you have that require God's wisdom?
2. What causes you to be unstable?
3. What do you do when you are overwhelmed?

Codependency: sugar coated dysfunction

Background:  I'm just a guy with an opinion who recently found some answers to a nagging question and that of course led to more research.  That question is "why do people (including me) try so hard in relationships, stay too long and put up with disrespect, stifling control, condescension, criticism, etc?"  And that led me to start unraveling this mess we call codependency.  No, I'm not trying to fix anyone - just me.

Frustration:  "Codependents are not bad people" is a statement I've frequently read.  Yes, as a Christian, I understand grace but also believe it should be accompanied by truth.  So here's my question:  how do you take behavioral patterns that start with family dysfunction and call it good?  And these same behaviors, unless changed, are perpetuated by the same sort of dysfunction that created it?  For example, if one looks at the symptoms of codependency to include patterns and characteristics from this web site:  https://coda.org/meeting-materials/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/  I see nothing here that even remotely resembles anything good.  And then there are endless books and articles telling people how to be free of this malady.  Yet, people are not fixed and still struggling...hopefully this explains my frustration?

What now Mike?  In the coming weeks, some friends and I will be researching and writing.  No criticism.  Just helpful stuff.  And there's even a therapist, licensed in 3 states, who's going to help out.  If you'd like to provide some anonymous input, be a ghost writer, etc, please contact me.

Some of you are just nasty!

Well, things have officially gotten a bit weird.  Social distancing may mean you have more time on your hands to get real with God?  Today's verse of the day from biblegateway.com certainly has some relevance...bible ignorance and illiteracy is a huge problem.  So is an ugly heart.

1 Peter 2:1-3  Therefore, putting aside all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander, like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the word, so that by it you may grow in respect to salvation, if you have tasted the kindness of the Lord. NASB

• It's crucial to examine your heart for sin before you do this.  Confess and repent.  1 John 1:9
• Are you eager for spiritual growth?
• Do you know that you're saved?

A simple word study is often helpful.  

• malice - G2540 badness, depravity, naughtiness or wickedness, desire to injure
• deceit/guile G1388 tricky, trap, entice, stealth
• hypocrisy G5272 playacting, deceit
• envy G5355 jealousy, ill will, spite
• slander/evil speakings G2636 defamation, backbiting, talk against.

Meaning:  this one is painfully easy.  Everything above is something we're capable of.  Hopefully it's not present in your church.  

Application:  There are Christians that have an ugly heart.  And yes, they even hang out in churches.  So if you're a backbiter, shame on you.  You need to make it right.  If so and so if fat and smells bad, Matthew 18:15 applies.  So does Galatians 6:1.  Before you embark on this journey, be sure to remove the log from your own eye first.  

Blessings on your day.  

James 1:1-4

James 1:1-4.....possible titles for you to use:  when you suffer, count it all joy, purpose of trials, embrace trials, never give up.

Admin notes:  During this rather difficult time where churches are cancelling services, I've decided to write some Bible study notes.  Feel free to follow along, comments, ask questions, have some online fellowship.  History/background information is up to you.  E-sword software, Dr Constable's Bible study notes https://planobiblechapel.org/tcon/notes/pdf/james.pdf , etc.  Plenty of reliable sources and free commentaries.  Inductive study format can be found at intothyword.org for detailed info.  Any questions, please ask.

Verse 1:  James, half brother of Jesus and bond-servant of God and the Lord Jesus Christ.

• servant/bond-servant G1401 - slave, in subjection

Verse 2:  Your mess is a blessing!

• consider/count G2233 - judge, regard, deem, think
• joy G5479 - delight, cheerfulness, gladness, rejoice
• encounter/fall into/meet/face G4045 - be surrounded with
• various/diverse/magnifold G4164 - motley
• trials/temptations G3986 - testing, adversity, proving

Verse 3:  Faith workouts produce patience and perseverance.

• testing/trying/proof G1383 - proving
• faith G4102
• endurance/patience/steadfastness G5281- perseverance, patient continuance

Verse 4:  You must be mature and complete, sanctified

• endurance - see verse 3 note
• perfect/full effect G5046 - complete, having reached its end, wanting nothing
• result/work/full effect G2041 - 
• complete/entire G3648 - 
• lacking/wanting G3007
• nothing G3367

What does it say?  What is God telling me?  We are taught to be joyful in our troubles.  Faith is a must and you WILL be tested/exercised.  Nowhere in scripture are we promised easy street.

Application:  People often ask "why me Lord?"  Perhaps the better question is Lord, what can I learn from this?  How might I grow to please you?

Questions:

1. How do you normally react when adversity visits?
2. Who do you depend on to solve problems?  You or God?
3. Are you closer to God during suffering or easy street?

Church Slander and Murder

This short post is NOT about a particular church nor individuals.  Just things I've witnessed over the years.  So, if this resembles a particular situation you're a party to, or if the shoe fits, I guess you own it.  Confess, repent and make it right!  And remember not to judge.  Names used below are fictitious.

• Watch out for so and so.  They are the church gossip.  And this info comes from another gossip?
• Gerald is a known thief.  But we're gracious and don't judge.
• You'd better get in line first before Rudolph - otherwise you'll never get anything to eat at the church potluck.
• The church secretary is secretly in love with the pastor.  (Well, that's not a secret anymore!)
• A certain church elder who provided the dirt on everyone he counseled - except his own family and those he liked.  I still haven't quite figured this one out.

The Bible cautions us about gossip, slander, and murder of the heart.  We should also understand that it comes from our own corrupted perspective and rotten judgment.  BTW, it's sin!  And we somehow lose sight of Matthew 18:15-17, Galatians 6:1 and other verses dealing with conflict resolution.  Oh those dainty morsels.....😞

Another Piece of the Puzzle

Another piece of the puzzle is revealed in the linked article:

For those struggling with codependency - excellent article.  Straightforward and concise.  Are you the giver or the taker?

https://time.com/5349927/codependent-relationship-signs/?fbclid=IwAR3U7lFCqWcBH-xjmFPFD_vLXume8ZhhUawxrimFl5oWR4BC2uc1d_W0n_g

Trivia - the bloom of the daylily, pictured above, last for one day.

The Dumpster Fire of Codependency

Very recently, I began to investigate this topic.  A pamphlet at church from Celebrate Recovery provided a list of symptoms.  Internet articles gave  more clues.  Everyone seems to have codependency but no one really knows what it is.  Hint - it's not in the DSM-5.  Here's a list of patterns and characteristics from Codependents Anonymous:  https://coda.org/meeting-materials/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/

Another article discussed one certain question that floured me:  why do you stay in a dysfunctional relationship, try too hard and tolerating ugly, inappropriate behavior?  Yes, I've been asked that question before.  Another article stated that if you're in a relationship with a known codependent, you probably have it yourself.  Ok, I was paying attention at that point.

• Where did it begin?  Childhood.  And no, this isn't going to be a litany of who I can blame.  I adopted behavior out of what I thought was survival and carried it into adulthood.  So if you suspect this might be you, process your own junk.  It's your responsibility.

• Traits/patterns of interest---

1. Perceive oneself as unselfish but being very self-centered.
2. Lacking empathy
3. Won't accept help from others
4. Hard time admitting mistakes
5. Mask pain with anger, humor, or isolation
6. Rage, criticism, harshness when angry
7. Low self-esteem
8. Stifling control issues, use blame and shame, refuse to compromise, judge harshly, withhold expressions of appreciation.
9. Refuse to let God be first.
10. Jekyll and Hyde behavior is particularly disturbing.

I'll stop here.  There is plenty more but my heart hurts.  How does one peel a rotten onion?  Hopefully you now understand the title?

Melody Beattie writes Codependent No More - how to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself.  Dr Henry Cloud also has a helpful resource at boundaries.me.  For $9 per month, you get access to tons of stuff.  I highly recommend it.

This is the first of many posts about this topic, faith and life.  I hope you will share and subscribe.  Blessings.
*my spell check button seems to have disappeared.  Be patient with any typos and leave me a heads up in the comments.  I'll fix it.

The Lies We Tell

A short post today about a discussion I once had some years ago where I stated that everyone is a liar.  Specifically, it was about the stories people tell when they share their divorce/relationship woes.  It is, however, applicable to most situations.  Yes, people get offended when they hear those words.  But hear me out.....

Genesis 3 is the applicable passage - specifically verses 12 and 13.  Adam and Eve ate of the forbidden fruit - watch what happens when they are found out:

• Adam blames the woman and God
• Eve blames the serpent

Do we have similar behavior today?  Do you really think every story that's told, ever piece of juicy gossip is actually true or something told with a slant to make the teller look better than they really are while slandering the other party?

Application - be honest.  Notice your bent for fabrication, use of disinformation, deceit, etc... repent of your sin and make it right.  Since most of us are relatively blind to our own sin, praying for the Holy Spirit to reveal this ugliness is crucial.

Questions - could this behavior occur amongst church people?  Are we all guilty of it?

Have a blessed day!

The Ideal Relationship

Someone recently asked what this looks like for me.  Here's a brief history and why it's important...

• Parents divorced in the 70s.
• My two divorces and that of my siblings.
• Many failed dating relationships

So for me, I'd dearly love to have a relationship that works instead of one that goes south because of sinful behavior.  Forgive me if this sounds simple.  It is.  First of all, I'm male and we deal in boxes.  That's why the bullet points.    

Here's my idea.....

• Put God first - it's hard and will be a daily struggle for all of us.
• Apply biblical principles to your life - yes, you actually need to know and study the bible.
• Be willing to pray together for the guidance of the Holy Spirit in your daily walk.
• Be accountable to one another and have other necessary accountability folks.  Don't be afraid to ask others. Proverbs 27:6

***These principles apply to all your relationships  including dating and friendships.  Please realize that even if you include these things daily, you'll still have problems.  Be an adult and fix them.  Cut and run never works.  Neither does pride, denial and making excuses.  Take down the walls, process your baggage and bring your junk into the light.  John 3:19.  

God tells us to pick up our cross daily and follow Him.  It's says nothing about paying lukewarm lip service.

Source ideas - George Kenworthy - Marriage Makeover, Minor Touchups to Major Renovations with some additions of my own.

Blessings on your day.